The secret to asking for sexy photos without offending her
Back then, if you had a nude depiction of someone in your possession, it was probably a nude model in a magazine. Today, millions of people are walking around with nude photos of ordinary people in their pockets in the form of digital pictures someone sent them.
As cellphones proliferated and smartphone cameras started to get real, well, cameras seemed downright pedestrian, just as the concept of the nude photo flourished. Over the past decade, nudes have become an incredibly common currency in modern dating. These days, you might swap nudes with someone you've matched on Tinder without ever meeting them in real life.
But just because nudes themselves are popular and common these days doesn't mean you have access to them. Depending on the state of your relationship and your place in the general dating ecosystem, you may have received hundreds - or none.
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And if you're new to the nude game, you might be wondering how to get involved. How do you get someone to send you their nude photos, exactly? Well, a number of real-life sex and dating experts are here to clear it all up.
1. Is asking for nudes OK?
If no one has offered to send you nudes, you might think it's time to start asking around rather than endlessly waiting for something that might never come.
And you would be right - sort of.
“Asking a partner for a nude can be a good idea if you're flirting or already sexting,” says Connell Barrett, a New York-based dating coach. “Nude swapping can just be a fun and sexy form of rock climbing. For the two good people, sharing nudes can be an adrenaline rush, making you both feel wanted and sexy. It can amplify the connection and attraction that you both already feel. "
But, he notes, “Remember to never send unsolicited nudes. Always make sure that the other person has consented to receive your photos. "
Jess O'Reilly, Ph.D., host of the "@SexWithDrJess" podcast, agrees that sending and receiving nudes is very dependent on the person in question.
“It depends on your partner,” she says. “Some people like to send nudes and some don't. It's not just about how long you've been dating or how well you've known your partner. Some people are open to sending nudes from the start, and others are not interested in sending nudes after years of marriage. It's a matter of personal preference and there is no right or wrong way to feel.
Not sure if the person you want to see naked is sharing nudes or not? Well, there is an easy way to find out.
“Ask your partner what he thinks about sharing nudes,” says O'Reilly, “and respect his preferences - you don't want to force him to do something he's not comfortable with.”
If you are in a relationship with the person you are asking, you have some degree of tolerance with the question. Even if they refuse, you'll probably get a chance to explain yourself (and sweeten things up if that leaves them with a bad taste in their mouths). However, if you ask a crush, an online dating match or an acquaintance, it is much more complicated.
“With a crush (someone you don't know very well), you'll want to pay extra attention to their feelings,” O'Reilly notes. “Some people find it offensive and aggressive to be asked for nudes, so ask them more generally what they think about sending nudes instead of sending a direct request. Be specific: “What do you think about sharing nude photos? If they are open to it, ask what the ideal circumstances are to request / share photos. "
2. Why nudes are complicated, explained
Depending on your experience, it may be obvious to you that nudes are a bit complicated - or they may not. Don't know what that means? Well, sharing or swapping sexy photos with someone else seems like the most natural thing in the world for you, but it should be remembered that there are several valid reasons why someone might not. want to.
“Someone might turn down a request for nudes for very good reasons,” Barrett says. “They may be self-conscious or afraid that you will share the photos with others. You want to fully respect their reasons, if they refuse, and never harass them.
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This second reason is probably at the origin of a lot of reluctance when it comes to nudes.
"We never know what the future holds!" says Mayla Green, sex and relationship coach at TheAdultToyShop.com. “If the relationship breaks down and the couple break up on bad terms, it's a scary thought to know the ex has nude photos in his possession. They can try to get revenge and post them online. Once a nude photo is shared online, it is virtually impossible to delete it. This is the real concern of most people, but they won't say it outright because it implies that the relationship will end badly. "
Instead, she says, they might offer other excuses such as low self-esteem or poor body image. While that doesn't mean these excuses are completely fictitious, it's possible that a lack of trust plays a bigger role in the other person's reluctance to share.
Another factor to consider? The fact that women's nudes are often treated differently from men due to aspects of our culture known as “bitch shame”.
“There are no universal differences, but often women face more scrutiny for expressing themselves sexually,” says O'Reilly. “This is not always the case and it can vary depending on a number of factors including your age, sexual orientation, relationship status, race and body type. "
Still, the possibility that a woman would face some form of slutty shame just for sharing a nude once is a real concern. Ultimately, however, “Nude swapping is all about trust,” Barrett says. “If the other person doesn't trust you, they won't send you nudes. "
3. How to ask for nudes
At this point, you should be aware that asking for nudes can be tricky, and there's a good chance you'll be turned away for reasons that are not entirely within your control.
That being said, that doesn't mean there is no value in finding a delicate way to discuss the topic. The truth is that a lot of people - yes, including women! - want to share nudes. For the same reasons you might want to share yours, other people will want to share theirs.
But until you know what the other person's position is on nudes, you might look bad. As with many other things in life and dating, if you present yourself as a creep, asshole, or sex freak, you're unlikely to get what you want.
"Don't just say, 'Send me nudes.' Franchise is not the answer, ”Barrett says. “A great way to approach this - for straight guys dating women - is to look for the right time. "
Bringing up the topic when you're both in the mood will reduce your chances of appearing focused on one thing, according to Barrett, as it's a more natural transition.
“The way to ask someone to send a nude is to sincerely congratulate them on their beauty and beauty. Remember that just asking someone to send nudes to you might make them feel emotionally distressed. They may feel objectified or insecure about their body. So first, let them know how attractive and sexy they are. Your job is to make sure they feel beautiful and wanted, whether or not they decide to pose for you and hit 'send'. "
He suggests “telling her how much you miss her body”.
"Maybe you could send me some sexy photos of yourself, to remind me."
“It's not so much about words as it is about [slowly getting] you both to a place where you share X-rated photos,” Barrett notes, “and you're having fun and having sexy fun doing it. "
And if in doubt? It wouldn't hurt to just gauge their level of interest in the concept of sharing nudes to begin with - especially good advice if you don't know each other well yet.
“Ask them if they're interested in sharing nudes,” says O'Reilly. “Present it as an option, as opposed to something you're trying to convince them of. "
"Would you like to take nude photos and share them?"
“You can also offer to share your nudes, if you're interested. "
If your request is denied, it's important to handle the situation without being pushy or rude.
“Don't worry about saving face,” she adds. “Instead, show respect to your partner, regardless of gender.”
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As exciting as it can be to receive a nude, you are not allowed to see anyone's nudes, and you cannot just deserve to see them by doing a certain thing or a set of things. Nudes are always something that gets shared when the sender feels like it, and you can't force anyone to feel anything.
However, if you know how to broach the subject without being a jerk or a creep about it - and you're respectful enough to recognize why someone might not want to say yes - your chances will definitely improve.
And that's the bare truth.
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