Life is coming, which means droughts are happening, am I right? No problem - unless this drought turns into a more severe drought.
Can't remember the last time you wanted to have sex with your husband or partner? “It's normal for there to be ebb and flow in sexual desire in a marriage,” says licensed clinical psychologist Ramani Durvasula, Ph.D., author of Should I stay or should I go?
Factors like stress, weather and kids can seriously zap your libido. That said, you shouldn't give up your sex life forever. “It's important to get ahead,” says Durvasula.
These stories encompass some of the most common reasons women lose their sex drive.
"My birth control killed my libido"
“At first I thought something was wrong with our relationship. We did it a lot at the start, like six times a week. We were animals and we loved every second. But about a year and a half after we got married, I was never really in the mood for sex. I had to convince myself to do this once a week in order to make my partner believe everything was fine.
"The thing is that everything was Okay. I loved him fully and was very drawn to him. It was a mood thing. He has always been very supportive about it. It never made me feel bad for not being in the mood or anything like that. I ended up finding out that I felt this way because of my birth control, and once the doctor took me out I felt better and we started having a decent sex life again, by the way. doing about two to three times a week. —Heather J., 32
The expert takes: While it doesn't happen to most women, it can still and does happen to some, says women's health expert Jennifer wider, MD "Because there are hormones in the birth control pill, the reaction can vary from woman to woman depending on a person's body chemistry and the type of hormonal mix in the pill," she says. .
If your libido seems to go on a permanent vacation right after starting a new hormonal birth control method, talk to your doctor. “There are tons of options to choose from and having an altered sex life due to medication can be easily overcome for most people,” says Wider.
"I lost my libido after having children"
“Nobody tells you that when you're a teenager or in your twenties, but sex is a lot different after having kids. Mainly because I'm always tired and the last thing I want to do is get naked, show my husband my post-pregnancy body, and have sex. Don't get me wrong, I love him and I love our life together. I just feel blah about my body, and I also prefer to sleep when kids are sleeping rather than staying awake and having sex.
“We have two children under 4 years old. Imagine that! My husband is annoyed about this. He's not at home all day, so his fatigue level is constant and based on his job. Mine is based on rowdy young children. It's an ongoing fight in our house, and it sucks. —Juliet M., 29 years old
The expert's point of view: Motherhood can be tough on your sex life. “You are tired, stressed and maybe not feeling sexier,” says Durvasula. “Is it a formula? No, but for a lot of women it's real.
Being a mom means constantly responding to the needs and demands of others, and at some point, sex can feel like another demand, she says. Try to talk to your partner about the pressures you face and be open about how this affects your sex life. Then see if they can help you with any of the responsibilities you regularly have, says Durvasula. It can help you increase your libido.
“The stress killed my desire to have sex.
“I literally woke up one day and decided I didn't want to have sex with my boyfriend anymore. It seems weird to say this because I haven't woken up and don't love him anymore. I still loved him and thought he was sexy. I just lost my sexual appetite. It was super-difficult to explain that to him.
“Guys don't understand female hormones, and I didn't understand why I felt like that. My boyfriend and I almost broke up because of it. He took it very personally and thought I was right above him and who he was. It wasn't the truth, and I even took him to the doctor with me. The doctor said that I probably felt like this because of the stress I felt in my job and with my family. She said there was nothing wrong with me, and it made me feel better. It certainly made him feel better too. " —Ruth L., 36
The expert takes: Stress is "becoming the new normal for people," says Durvasula. And, unfortunately, it can have a direct effect on your sex life. She recommends trying to set aside time in your busy schedule for sex and trying to set the mood / relax ahead of time. Perhaps taking a bubble bath surrounded by candles or donning silky lingerie, it all can help. “Sex is really an essential part of a relationship,” she says.
“After 23 years of marriage, I'm done with this.
“I have been married for over 23 years. I had all the sex I needed in my life, and honestly, I was just done with it. Besides, I'm a little bored. My husband does not understand. He says he will try new things. He told me last month that we'd take a sex class, or he'd order a book from Amazon, and get on with it. But I told him I'm good. I love it. I want to spend the rest of my life with him. But right now, I don't want to sleep with him. He has to face this. He doesn't really have a choice. —Linda B., 48
The expert takes: Sex with the same person "may start to feel formulated" after a while, says Durvasula. Instead of seeing him as the same old, same old, she recommends reminding yourself that this is something special that only you and your partner share. That, and do what you can to spice things up. Try taking vacations together and having sex in a hotel, or working in new positions. “Anything that can make sex new is great,” she says. And, if things still aren't working out for you, maybe it's time to consider couples therapy.
“I realized I was attracted to women.
“When I lost interest in having sex with my boyfriend, about two years after starting the relationship, I started to research why and started to admit that I thought I was just changing my sexual preference. and have an attraction for women. I've been with women before and thought I was done. I suppose not. I always loved my boyfriend, but maybe more like a friend?
“My boyfriend, of course, was worried when I told him that I didn't want to have sex for three consecutive months. I told him the truth, and at first he was completely taken back and a little offended. We met. in the middle, and now we have an open relationship, which I find modern and most people understand. —Sarah B., 24
While it may work for some couples, it's a difficult thing to navigate, says Durvasula. “It takes a lot of communication, conversation, openness and honesty,” she says. "Normal human emotions like jealousy, convenience, and security all come into play here." Some couples may think that an open relationship improves what they have together, "but that's not a solution for a lot of people," says Durvasula. "Many prefer to be in a monogamous union."
If you suddenly don't want to have sex, Durvasula recommends that you see your doctor to make sure all is well with your health. Things like depression, hormonal changes, and certain medications can all affect your libido, she points out.
If this works out, consider going through individual therapy to try and find out what's going on with you mentally. Also, maintain an open dialogue with your partner and be honest about how you are feeling. If you still want to be close to them, hold their hands, kiss them, and touch them, those are all great signs, she says. Otherwise, it could be a sign of a deeper problem.
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