Dear A&E,
I want to have sex with other women. My wife and I haven't shared a bed in over a decade. For years our lack of sex life didn't bother me much, but a few years ago after a health scare I lost weight (9th) and found myself attracted to women everywhere I'm going; they seem to notice me too – that's all I can think of. I tried to suppress this for so long, but now I'm ready to act. Although I love my wife, our marriage is over. But my son told me that if I left her, I wouldn't see the grandchildren. – Hot under the collar
Dear hot,
Well, that's all new to you, isn't it? All that fitness and fantasy. New and clearly confusing. Our first thought, when reading your letter, was that it wasn't really about sex. The sexy stuff – women noticing and wanting to push that point – feels like a byproduct of the journey you're on. It is about a whole life: family, identity and evolution. We all change, Hot. We are built to grow and thrive. But that's what we're doing with this change, right? And your own personal development is the result of enormous physical changes. Your clothes don't fit you anymore and you feel like your life doesn't fit you anymore. And now?
You sound like a dear, honest soul with a streak of anxiety, and we don't think an affair or a series of affairs would suit you very well. A case would muddy the waters and make everything a little dirty: our feeling is that it's time to think about reshaping your life as you reshaped yourself. You can sense the possibilities that lie just over the hill. Now is the time to make sure your sense of self is as muscular as your new quadriceps.
“Our” lack of sexual desire became “his” lack of sexual desire. As you take charge of getting healthy and horny, she lives “our” life. The life you both signed up for.
Did you – gently – tell him about your change in perspective? Or did you just write her off and assume she was satisfied? Assume nothing. She may surprise you. Don't accept that your marriage is over without doing the work. Therapy will help her open a dialogue and bring her up to speed on your process. It is possible that therapy will lead to a reboot, or at least an understanding. Even if the therapy only helps formulate an exit strategy, it will still facilitate some transparency. Lies (even by omission) and refusal to communicate act as fertilizer to hurt later.
Which brings us to your son.
Listen, children are precious and wield an almost sinister power over us, but it's inappropriate for them to blackmail us. Bad for them because they become falsely self-sufficient, and bad for us because it's not a sincere way to make decisions.
Your transformation might be uncomfortable for those around you. Armchair Dad has morphed into Dynamic Dad, and if your son is making those noises, the disconnect between old dad and new dad must be striking.
Children don't react very well when it comes to their parents having alternate lives or changing identities because so often and well into adulthood they define themselves by fighting against us and our choices. Seems like everything he says is based on his views on his family.
The problem is that these darlings we love so much are the epitome of unreliable testimony and useless advice. They are too invested. And friends can get goofy too: some because they take sides; others because they fear that divorce is contagious. Some will withdraw; others will stay close – you will be able to handle it.
Hold your horses, warm. Talk to your wife. Have the tough conversations because, if you have to start a new life, why not base it on honesty? You look like the man you wanted to be; now act like the man you want to be.
Do you have a dilemma you are grappling with? Send an email to Annabel and Emilie on [email protected] All questions are kept anonymous. They cannot respond to emails personally.
Learn more about The Midults:
My husband announced that he was gay. Was our marriage a lie?
Why do I always date men who need fixing?
