When you are moving but your partner doesn't want to have sex, what's the first thing you think of? They are probably not in you anymore, right? This is a very common immediate reaction that many people have when they make sexual overtures and are refused. Personally, I know that I tend to be in doubt when I'm in the mood and my partner just isn't. Is he no longer in me? Are we having enough sex? WHAT DOES IT MEAN??
Fortunately, I have improved recently to train my brain to come out of anxious spirals and cut those thoughts before they changed from whispers to screams, but the initial one - that maybe my partner just isn't interested in sex with me now that we've been together for a few years - always appears. A little a lot, if I'm being honest. And that's where I need to start thinking a little more logically about the situation.
Almost all couples will have at least a slightly uneven sex drive - there are very, very few of us who are so in sync that both people want to do it at the exact same time, every time. And while, of course, sometimes people doing fall out of attraction to their partners, I think if you looked at every instance where one partner wants to have sex but the other doesn't you would find that most of the time? Lack of attraction is not the reason.
So, what are the reasons your partner might not want to sleep with you right now? Here are 11 possibilities.
1. They are tired
Look I know when I'm tired I don't wanna do whatever except like, read and pass out. Sex takes a lot of energy! Maybe they just don't have it in them yet.
2. Work stresses them out
Stress at work not only makes people 's brains go wild, it can also increase cortisol levels and high cortisol levels have been linked to lower sexual desire. So, if your sweetheart has a lot going on at work right now, that might be the reason he can't focus on sex.
3. They just aren't excited right now
This one might be resolved if your partner has a reactive desire, but don't be pushy about it. If they just don't feel it, then they just don't feel it. Let them know that tu are and let them be.
4. They have a headache
I know this is the most clichéd excuse in the world for not wanting to have sex (and totally conjures up images of the genre, Betty Draper in the first seasons of Mad Men) but headaches are the worst and absolutely hinder the sexy moments.
5. They just masturbated
Oops.
6. They don't like morning / evening / afternoon sex
Maybe you want to do it in the morning and your partner can't do anything for the first hour after waking up, including sex. Or maybe you like it in the afternoon, but they're too distracted. Either way, if you approach your partner at a time of day when they're not ready to go down, their rejection of sex isn't rejection of you.
7. They take care of family matters
Just like work, families can be very stressful and those of us who are close to our families especially know how family issues can turn into personal issues. If a lot is going on in your partner's family life, it might be on their minds when you approach them for sex. I mean, nothing is less of a turning point than Grandpa's heart failure, right?
8. They are sick
A stuffy nose and painful cough don't make a romantic partner.
9. Their hormones are out of order
Sometimes people have low sex drive because their testosterone levels are low, so if not wanting to have sex is a persistent problem, maybe it's time to check it out. (And that applies to people of all genders, not just cis men.) On the other side of the spectrum, hormonal fluctuations related to the menstrual cycle can cause some people to not want to have sex. Like personally, I don't want to be touched at all just around my period.
10. They don't feel good about themselves
Sometimes a bad body image makes people really, really unwilling to take their clothes off.
11. All of the above
Or any combination of the above. The big point being: it's probably not about you, hoot.
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