The Hot and Cold Dating Game

Does your partner play hot and cold? One minute you're under the heat of their attention, the next minute you're frozen and wondering what happened. You start to question your actions. Did you say the wrong thing? Did you make the wrong move?

It has long been the rule that when you date someone whose behavior is marked by hot and cold responsiveness, you are standing on shaky ground. The behavioral extremes indicate that a power play is being used. Whether you call it push / pull, on / off, or hot and cold, the end result is the same. You feel confused and frustrated.

Whether done consciously or unconsciously, this type of behavior activates desire and pursuit. It is used because it works. If we do not understand the play of hot and cold, we can find ourselves in a drama of confusion.

Knowledge is power. Modern dating is tricky. Once we have the ability to see hot and cold for what it is, we are less likely to experience its negative effects. Understanding this type of behavior is crucial, even for those of you who have made a commitment not to play games.

“Flee, and they follow. Follow, and they flee. "

It is the basic thinking of the partner that initiates the hot / cold, and serves as a safety net for vulnerability. Why? Because relational uncertainty makes human beings yearn for stability. Our automatic response is to chase when the "other" moves away. What was once readily available is suddenly gone, and no matter how hard we try to regain our partner's affection, it now seems beyond our reach.

No, your partner is not confused. They don't need more time to understand their emotions. They are not dealing with their latest breakup and they are not overwhelmed at work. While this may be your hope, it isn't.

The hot / cold scenario characterizes much more than a lack of certainty on the part of a lover. It's a model. And it's designed for control.

The hot and cold phases:

The “hot” phase begins with an overwhelming explosion of recognition. Your partner has placed you firmly on their radar. Bathed in newfound attention, flattery and flirtation arouse a strong attraction for this person. You quickly crave more of this delicious new sensation.

This phase draws you into hopes of the possibility of romance. The contact is reciprocal, time is allowed to see each other and the forward movement is evident. There is an easy and open connection. The hot phase is designed to take you into the doorway that leads to the corral, where you will later be harnessed.

Then comes the “cold” phase. Your partner starts to pull away, making you dream of their previous attention. Whether triggered by a cold shoulder, avoidance or lack of communication… the sudden disconnection shakes your confidence.

This phase activates the loss, making you yearn for them and eagerly await their call or text. You wonder what happened and start to question every move you've made. Without realizing it, you have surrendered to their need for emotional and psychological control.

Hot. Cold. Repeat. These are the basic dance steps for this type of behavior. Each stage is a phase and each phase has a cycle. This formula is predictable and consistent even when your partner's reactions are not.

Simply put, when you walk away, they'll re-engage you. When you go forward, they move away. After a cycle or two of this routine, you will be so confused that you will not know which direction to move. The pattern repeats for as long as you are ready to play this game.

The beautiful truth is, it has nothing to do with you. You are not at fault. There is nothing you did or didn't do that is causing this. Don't let your friends analyze your situation and convince you otherwise. Just notice where you are in the cycle and don't let it put you off. Understanding what comes next allows you to take back control of your own reactions.

About your hot / cold partner:

There is a marked difference between relational hiccups and playing hot and cold. Relationship hiccups occur because your partner is emotionally invested, but scared. There is open communication about their fear. Once indicated, the hot phase restarts normally and continues with the forward movement. A hot and cold player reverts to cold as the norm, with bursts of heat that don't result in forward movement.

The root cause of this behavior is a desperate attempt to take control of the uncontrollable; love. It's a way to feel love without hurting yourself. But the partner, who is committed to playing it safe, will never allow themselves to experience love. They will play on it, dipping their toes in and out of the water without ever getting wet.

The hot and cold cycles can make you feel powerless. It seems your partner has all the strength. But it's just the opposite - real power is the ability to maintain privacy. Real STRENGTH is the ability to maintain contact. The power and strength of this caliber has no fear of being honest and straightforward.

Games are an ego's flaw when being "real" seems too scary. Authenticity requires immense courage. Being open and honest is a gift born of inner confidence and self-esteem. Here's where the tables are turning in your favor. Once you recognize this pattern, you have already gained your freedom from the automatic response caused by your partner's play.

Handling of the hot / cold partner:

The best way to deal with a hot / cold showdown is with an honest questioning. Be direct. There is nothing to lose. Authentic communication reveals your partner's fears, allowing their concerns to be expressed and resolved while maintaining the connection.

Does your questioning meet hostility, defense or resistance? If so, you have obtained valuable information. He is a partner who is in the game for an ego boost and does not have the skills necessary for a relationship with you.

Cut your losses and go. Your time is best spent with someone who is capable of honesty, privacy, and consistent behavior.

After questioning, does your partner react with worry or guilt? Do they reveal their inner conflict? If so, you may have come across a very sensitive and fearful person. Carefully assess your partner. Do they have the capacity to trust? Are they keen to explore the possibility of a relationship with you? These are easy questions to ask when you know what you want and what you deserve.

Games are used instead of the ability to be real. For those who are simple, there is little point in anyone who plays games. But knowing their existence and recognizing their predictable patterns will make your meeting a rewarding experience rather than a confusing one.